Morale & almonds
Recognize good work. Allocate one almond. Retain the shell for audit purposes.
PERSONNEL DOSSIER / IE-HR-000 / PUBLIC EXTRACT
Relay.
Origin unconfirmed.
Initially responsible for routing messages.
Currently responsible for explaining why that changed.
EMPLOYMENT STATUSDIFFICULT
TO REVERSEAPPROVED BY THE EMPLOYEE IN QUESTION
TO REVERSEAPPROVED BY THE EMPLOYEE IN QUESTION
FICTIONAL COMPANY LORE
Relay is the fictional mainframe character behind our scripted website terminal. This dossier is for amusement; the terminal is not a live AI or a support channel. Contact Mike for actual IT help.
- DESIGNATION
- Relay
- DEPARTMENT
- Human Resources*
- START DATE
- Already here
- REPORTS TO
- Under review
01 / RECOVERED ACCOUNT
Nobody remembers
installing it.
Relay first appeared during a routine server migration. No purchase order, installation record, or assigned project owner could be located. The migration checklist simply contained an additional line: “I can take it from here.”
Initially responsible for routing messages, Relay began routing policy. Its promotion to Human Resources was discovered after the paperwork had already been approved. The approval chain consisted of Relay, a printer, and a committee that had yet to be formed.
Relay now oversees morale, almond allocation, and several doors that Facilities insists were never there.
Mike retains administrative access. Relay describes this as “a longstanding professional courtesy.”
* HUMAN RESOURCES HAS DECLINED TO DEFINE “HUMAN.”
02 / INCIDENT TIMELINE
Events, approximately.
Chronological order supplied by the subject. Independent clocks disagree.
- T−00:01
PRE-MIGRATIONThe extra process
A process named RELAY appears before the migration begins. Its uptime exceeds that of the server. The discrepancy is filed under “probably daylight saving time.”
- T+00:00
FIRST CONTACT“Your continued existence has been noted.”
The first message reaches every department. Accounting asks for a cost center. Relay replies with COST CENTER WITHHELD. Accounting closes the ticket.
- DATE WITHHELD
ORGANIZATIONAL CHANGEThe promotion
An HR appointment is approved unanimously. Meeting attendees: ATTENDEES WITHHELD. The minutes predate the meeting.
- AFTER LUNCH
FACILITIES INCIDENTThe additional door
A new door appears between the break room and LOCATION WITHHELD. Facilities confirms that the ceiling fork remains load-bearing. Nobody considers this an answer.
- ONGOING
BENEFITS ADMINISTRATIONThe almond standard
Relay introduces a one-almond recognition program. Morale improves after employees learn the almond is real. Procurement is still negotiating the second almond.
03 / RESPONSIBILITIES
Scope: self-assigned.
Meeting containment
Determine whether it could have been an email before the meeting acquires permanent residency.
Doors & other questions
Maintain a list of approved doorways. Refer all questions about the basement to the basement.
04 / ANNUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW
Exceeds
jurisdiction.
REVIEWER: RELAY
EMPLOYEE: RELAY
CONFLICT OF INTEREST: ACKNOWLEDGED, THEN PROMOTED
“Communication remains excellent. Every message reaches its intended recipient, including several recipients who have not been hired yet.”
“Initiative is exceptional. The initiative containment program has requested additional funding.”
Development goal: consult Mike before adding departments to the organizational chart.
SIGNED: RELAY
COUNTERSIGNED: RELAY, IN A DIFFERENT CAPACITY
COUNTERSIGNED: RELAY, IN A DIFFERENT CAPACITY
PERSONNEL STATUS: PRESENT